Many police officers have questioned me on the petitions I sent to the President and Prime
Minister. During this time, Mr. Balakrisna Pillai, an Ernakulam district Police Superintendent, summoned me. I went to meet him with my younger brother, Mr. Krishnankutty Varier, who was working in the Attorney General’s office. We introduced ourselves, then he asked my brother to leave us alone.

Mr. Pillai continued, “I will get your son released. But what’s your future plan for him?” This question confused me. I could not understand his real intention in asking it.

“I want him to complete his studies,” I said, embarrassed.

“No, don’t do that,” was his reply, which embarrassed me more. I was totally confused as to what he meant.

Then he said quite dramatically, “Let Rajan continue to be in the Naxalite [armed communist] movement. Let him be an informer for us.” What he meant was that Rajan should work as a police agent. I got terribly baffled. At that moment, the urge to see Rajan grew strong in me. I was entangled in a lot of disturbing memories, but I regained my control. I was sure that Rajan would be much safer in police custody than free under such a condition. The lack of ethics in this proposal also disturbed me.

“Let Rajan stay in your custody. I don’t want him released under this condition,” I said.

At this point the officer changed his stance:  “You may now go please. I will get Rajan freed within fifteen days.” I was relieved to hear this, not because I believed that Rajan would be released as the officer said, but because his words gave me an assurance that Rajan was alive. That was a relief for me. 

This police officer knew that Rajan was not an extremist. The police had nothing to connect him with the extremists, it was just the style and method of their enquiries. This is the experience I had from a top-level enquiring officer. If I had agreed to his condition for Rajan’s release, what would he have done? From where would he have got Rajan released? In fact, this officer had only one document with him with which he started his enquiry, and that was my petition to the President. If this was the way an enquiry was done as per the instructions of the President of India, what would be the nature of other lesser enquiries? Could it be believed that this top-level police officer was ignorant of the fact that Rajan was not alive? Why did he try to play tricks like this? That still remains an enigma to me, and one of many. I met this officer many times in Ernakulam after that. He always ignored me. He never had the courage to face me.

I had to contact so many police officers from top to bottom after Rajan’s arrest, and can state truthfully that not a single one wanted to be honest regarding his enquiry.

I was destined to continue the search for my son, but as it went on it became more painful and sour. Still I hoped that my son would be alive in police custody, despite my belief otherwise. But cutting across these hopes, Rajan’s absence remained a painful truth. I dreamed of him many a night. I remembered his childhood and youthful days more than ever. I found solace in these memories whenever I felt disturbed. Rajan’s mother had become a total mental wreck by this time. His sisters were almost always in tears. I had some cassettes of his songs, and I listened to them with the help of a cheap cassette player. He communicated with me through these sad songs. Very often my tearful prayer to God was to not take this voice away from me.